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This is the deal, I am turning 43 next month and I think I am approaching my first midlife crisis. In the last months I have been taking account of my life, my health, the people around me and the world in general and I am not happy! The thing is I know and have always known that to change the world around us one has to start with oneself.

Somewhere along the line I have become lax, have given up along the way... Like everyone else I have made uncomfortable compromises, to my emotional, spiritual and physical detriment. The reason are varied and human, for example the fear of being alone, the fear that my ideals and morals where not sustainable in this current world environment.
Then there were a whole mass of people who I love, who's behaviours and mindsets literally made me sick, but I stayed because I loved them ; played the do not see, do not hear, do not speak monkey, more than I would like to acknowledge. I became tired of the endless discussions about why everyone needs to care about more than their own survival, why just because something had been done for hundreds of years it was not necessarily right.

I was tired of being labelled some kind of crazy eco oddball with a save the world complex. At best they would laugh at me and say they did not have the funds or time to go totally green, to use recycled toilet paper, to care about people thousands of miles away when they were struggling themselves. At worst they would get defensive, because they took what I was saying as an attack of their whole person and not their lifestyle. The excuses where manifold, I do not have time to care about abused and abandoned animals, when humans are struggling. I do not have time to think of people in Africa or other third world countries when I cannot pay my rent. I like my car, my meat my luxury why should I abstain when no one else does! The few things I do not recycle are not going to make a difference. I am not the one killing the animals, and abusing them, why are you holding me responsible? Their arguments are in many ways understandable, it is hard swimming upstream and the results might not be seen during our life time. Sometimes people react downright angry if one lives a humanitarian , vegan /vegetarian eco friendly life style , and the daily grind of being an outcast can be enough to just give up , start making concessions ..Start slipping back into a similar mindset. I fully understand, I have been there! And have been wavering back and forth the past ten years.

The problem with that is that once one truly understands the issues and knows with ones core that these self-absorbed behaviours are wrong, they become double toxic. Not only is one dealing with subconscious guilt, but with the realisation that one is sinning against one owns beliefs. This alone can cause a lot of damage, mentally, spiritually and eventually all this guilt, fear and rage can turn physical.
And here I am today a sum of my triumphs and failures- more failures of late than triumphs. Some of them not totally in my control , like my PTSD and physical damage resulting in my violent relationship with Paul, or my currently unemployed state; some of them my fault, like my weight and my entanglement in other peoples drama.

I am fatter, more depressed and despondent, more emotionally instable than I ever have been. My health is literally going to hell in a hand basket, and while I do not look my age, I have noticed aging in the last few months that is rapidly increasing. While I have friends, in many cases out differences in opinion and point of reference have become a problem, I am lonely, angry at them for their lack of seeing the bigger picture, angry at myself because I make compromises where I should not, just not to be alone; I have been hiding from myself, immersed in agoraphobia, depression and a disgusting state of inertia. I am unbalanced, unhealthy and on the verge f collapse- is this what I want my legacy to be? Is this how I want to leave this world? Hell no!

So I need to change things, I need to claim my own space, and learn how to live according to who I am, or I will remain as dead as the rest of the world around me. I am tired of being a zombie, who crawls from the next chore to the next unsatisfying unhealthy meal. If I take after my grandfather I have another 50 + years ahead of me, and I intend to make them happy and healthy ones. Am I scared? – Definitely! I am literally terrified, I am afraid of being abandoned by those of my loved ones who will or cannot follow , I am afraid that I might fail financially , that I am too late for this , that My lack of conformity will eventually make me an outcast or a bag lady ....

But what are my options? at the rate I am going health wise I might not make it to 50, it seems that I am not going to find the means anymore to sustain myself by conventional means (one place of employment, horrendous electric and water bills), my home is falling apart at the seams, I am so depressed at times that I have to force myself to face the new day. I have dependants , My pets , my children and I am not giving them the time they disserve , because I am hiding in my hole Afraid of failure... This needs to stop! All of it! I need to resurrect myself, reanimate the corpse that is me!

How? I am not totally sure, I do not have all of the answers yet, but I need to start with something and learn it whilst running...Some of the steps are clear, some will be experimental, and some will probably form along the way. I have decided to document my process, in part for myself to watch my progression, in part because I hope that my trails and error might help others that find themselves in the same spot that I am in right now. I am going to blog , tweet and use the wonderful forum that is the internet to do so ...if you wish follow me ...even if it is out of blatant voyeurism ...let's see where this takes me !

Part of this journey will include a self experiment in raw veganism, the other will be the slow transformation of my home and property into a self sustaining Earthship/mutant-house

he last few day's I have been letting some basic ideas go through my head on what I would like to accomplish , with mutant house. The basic premise is transforming and raping my house as the funding arises; so basically one small project at a time, as funds come in. The finished project, as I envision it, will combine some of the architecture of earth houses, with tree-houses, hanging gardens and the existing structure of my house. At some point I would like to open my home to people who would love to live and work on the project grounds. Of course I am in the imagining phase of the project, and things will be in flux for a while but these are some of the basic things I would like to eventually establish on the property.

1- Green house, vegetable garden, smaller in house gardens.

2- Water cistern, water capturing unites, Maybe dig a well, a two way water system, meaning a separate system for washing and potable water, coal filtering system.

3- Both wind and solar energy system, the solar systems incorporating both passive and active solar energy.

4- An outside haven for my dogs – dog playground, as well as a Cat garden for the local stay cats with little insulated houses for winter.

5- A play ground for the local kids and maybe a community garden for local kids in my neighbourhood.
6- A small vegan soup kitchen giving out one meal a day for local residents.

7- An in house recording studio, gallery, pottery workshop and carpentry work shop.
8- A swimming pool

9- Maybe a small school and rooms to be able to take in foster children.

10-Roof and wall gardens.

Now how this will develop will depend on how can find financing and how many people will join the project. If it is just me alone it might take years to accomplish, the more people are part of it the easier it will become to realise it.I am going to have to look into permits , see if the city will work with me on this ect. The thing is that if this project functions it might attract others who would like to establish similar projects in their struggling communities. If I fail, I fail, but it cannot hurt to try to get creative and try to establish a new way of living when the old one does not seem to work anymore.
There are dangers of course -communes /slash off the grid communities can often turn into volatile sects, but honesty and rigorous self monitoring might be able to keep those dangers at bay. The alternative is doing nothing, and that is not an option!
I will keep you all posted on future idea and progress

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