I am back and that in more than one way! The last few years have been more or less a vegetative state. Caught up in two relationships with men, that drained me of all that I was. I did not paint and that for 7 years! I did not take pictures save a miniscule amount to document my family .Somewhere In my 3 year relationship with Paul I lost my voice literally and emotionally .I was dead to myself and the world in many ways . At some point When I had enough I left, yet nothing could transform my gray to light. But something did stir I started writing again, mostly poetry .The days passed I took an awful job at American express was sadly good at it and got dragged deeper into a world of chains and emptiness. That is where I met Julius who posed as another lost child in a world of automated existence. In truth however he was predator and attracted to my then damaged spirit, entangled me into a 3 year non relationship from hell. I was connected to him like I was never connected to anyone, not even my own child .Yet the relationship was toxic, bleeding me out... suffocating my mind, questioning my very belief system and punishing me when he could not do so .Yet because this connection was of the soul and not based on lust I could not let go , hoped I could free him from his spiritual and judgemental hell. Show him the world in its beauty .In doing that I became smaller and smaller, till I was almost hard to make out within the tapestry of life. Where Paul had broken my body, Julius threatened to break my soul, emulating my mother in so many ways. Yet I had made a promise, not to leave him till he would bid me leave. Like a poisoned tide he would come and leave out of my life, our dance becoming harder to bear as the carrousel turned. What was good in the relationship slowly died dissipated into oblivion .But Like many abandoned by the subtle yet strong resonance of love, I waited in the storm believing it would come back. Ignoring the withering of life and creativity, the very essence of being that connects us all. For what is life but a creative process, be the canvas the flesh and bone of our existence and deeds, or our literal creations of stone, paint and Music. He was not evil my beloved but his fear made him menace. What was different caused such jealousy, what was free of his preconceptions such hatred, that he murdered his own glory before it could ever take flight. What was not like him was soulless and deserved no compassion or mercy. And as he walked the path of his ill-conceived purity he was blind to the true mercy of GOD who loves all. He revelled in his stoic beliefs assured that those that did not follow his spiritual path would find eternal damnation .Thinking that his lack of charity toward those of different faith and lifestyle would find favour with the divine and made him appointed favourite of GOD. Claiming he was light he was in truth the bitter life dining emissary of darkness. Unable to harness the ample desires that burned in he blamed those that provoked it in him. I like all those others became the focus of his wrath in word and deed, and yet he could not let go of what connected us. Coming, time and time again, to feed, and repaying it with loath and pain. To him i say there is love in the strangest of places and beauty where you care to find it. We are different all of us unique in our own right. There are many ways to salvation and those who walk the less beaten path are no less children of what is called by many names. In the end we all return to it as bodies turn to ash , what remains is what we leave behind in our everyday dealings and the sparks of our creations. We evolve through understanding and incorporating . If you shut out what you do not understand, you will be void of evolution and your life will become repetition void of the meaning it could of gained by looking outside the essence that is yourself. In oneness we find individuality, in separation we find but a reflection of ignorance. We grow by the differences other represent to reject them is to reject the lessons they teach us about who we really are. Do not mistake conformity with ones; it is a horse of a different colour. Conformity kills what makes life the ultimate experience. Oneness gives us appreciation for the process of life. The last day I saw you I loved you more than words can say and it still is so , but i can no longer inhabit your world for it is vile to me. And when I left his realm there was much sadness, little remorse and a seed of joy. My voice returned and here I am. For the first time in seven years truly and entirely myself, song is within me and paint is flowing from my fingers. I bask in the warmth of a new beginning and walk my path with an open mind and heart. As for this community, I am amazed on how much beauty lies within its cyber walls and how much I missed it .As I said I am back.